Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The day before her birthday

Tomorrow my little girl turns four.  We celebrated in a big way at Disney World knowing what we had waiting for us when we returned.  I knew that her birthday would be spent recovering from surgery this year.  We're almost one week post surgery and I could not ask anymore from her as a patient over the last week.  Her strength, determination and tenacity astounds me.  

The quietness of these four walls after the boys leave for school reminds me of the time spent with her after she came home from the NICU and all our family and friends had gone back home.  We were home bound then as we are now.  I try not to let weight of November 3rd settle too deeply on me.  However, it remains...the darkness, the grief that words cannot describe when at 9:08am our daughter was born without movement and without a sound.

Certainly there was an orchestrated, organized chaos all around her.  As a labor and delivery nurse myself, I actually know what was going on around her and it was anything but silent, but for my baby heartbeat and no breath...just stillness and silence.  A family's world changed forever.

One day shy of four years later, I find myself by her side again.  The grief is different, the child is different and I am different.  I long not to think or feel anything in the next few days, just let them pass and be behind me for another year.  Grief and joy, which have no business being joined are tightly woven together in our life.

I have something very special planned for our girl on the blog tomorrow, something I hope to be only happy.  Lord Jesus carry us through these next few days...

Lamentations 3:31-33 "For the Lord will not reject forever, for if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness.  For He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men.

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