It has been quite some time since I have come here to share my thoughts and feelings. Sophie Kate has been doing well since her hospitalization in early November. She has been sick one other time since then and only by a miracle did we avoid another hospital admission. I find that I am able to put up a pretty good front when she is in the hospital. I am definitely in full nurse mode. It is only once we come home or have the threat of returning back to the hospital that I allow myself to completely fall apart.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years were so special this year with friends and family. We traveled some, which is proving to be harder and harder with each trip we make with our girl, but so worth it once we get where we are going and get to spend time with those we love. I want this girl and these boys to have these experiences as much as we possibly can. It is quite the task for Chad and I but somehow, I'm not really sure how, we get it done. We opened presents, we ate lots of good food and we spent some good quality time on our pjs. Most simply, I valued our time at home with these five that have my heart.
I get real introspective, even more than I normally am, after spending days in the hospital with Sophie Kate. I know that these days when all six of us are together for extended periods of time are going to become fewer and fewer especially with one who will be driving later on this year. I value the time I get to spend with Cooper driving him back and forth from practice and other activities...well, actually it's him driving me back and forth. Nevertheless, I love the conversation I get to have with him one on one in those moments. We talk and we laugh and I love every second of it whether it is a trip across town to a game or if it is only the 10 minute drive home from practice.
Being in the hospital with Sophie Kate, definitely refocuses me and reminds me to be grateful for the days I get to spend at home with her. I try to keep all that in perspective when the days run long and consecutively inside the four walls of our house. I try to keep my thoughts positive and to have a grateful heart that I am able to care for her at home instead of in the hospital. I am not even close to always successful in that endeavor.
I heard something last week that I have been turning over and over in my mind...and it is about waiting. I know that sounds so boring and so not fun, but just waiting. Waiting on the blessing...not wishing/wanting/longing for or even worse demanding (God help us) something now that if we were to wait for God's timing would be a blessing in our future. Right now is a "no" or it's a "wait," which is so so hard in the instant gratification world we live in. And then in the waiting, in the meantime, can we/can I be grateful, can I find joy? This is tough stuff and when I try to tackle this myself I am overwhelmed, because I can't do this I don't even want to do this. But God...this is the game changer, I can't do this but God can. It's too much for me, I am not capable but God can take the hopeless and give hope. He can handle the hurt and provide healing. He can change our heart if we are willing and we can feel His joy again.
The days can feel so dark to me, God is my light. Psalm 18:28, "You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light."