Monday, November 9, 2009

My Daughter

In and amongst all the celebration, tutu wearing and present opening, SK also earned herself a well visit to her favorite pediatrician for turning 2. Our girl is now up to 29 pounds 11 ounces and is 35 inches tall. Those are in the 85th and 90th percentiles, respectively for 2 year olds, for those of you who were wondering. Do y'all remember when we were struggling just to get SK to double digits?

When we started Wet Tots at Lakeshore Foundation she was not in double digits and that was in April of 2008 I think. She has come a long way since then, but I remember many a post about SK hanging around in the 8 and 9 pound ranges and wondering when we would hit the big 1-0. Now here we are a year and a half later pushing the big 3-0 pounds. It hasn't been an easy road but here she is growing and thriving and her doctor was very pleased, he thought she looked very healthy. Her blood work was great, she is growing appropriately and she is a happy girl. It's nice to be affirmed that what we are doing is exactly what our girl needs and is benefiting her to the fullest.

I still feel though that our relationship as mother and daughter is seriously lacking. I wouldn't say we really have fun together, to be honest I really don't know how to do that with her. There is so much work involved with her, medically speaking, just meeting her needs takes up a lot of time. Then there is all her therapy and while I adore all her therapists, there is a never ending list of exercises, activities and stretches that need to be done with SK everyday. I'm not sure it's even possible to do all of it in one day, maybe if I gave up caring for our other children and abandoned all housework I could get it all done, but I'm not sure.

So all of that adds up to work. It's all work to me, she has to be fed, she must have her meds, she needs to be stretched, she has to bear weight, she needs to work in her gait trainer, she needs to work on sitting unassisted and on and on and on. Whatever minute I might have here and there during the day is spent on the boys, on housework and yes on the computer. Although my computer time mostly takes place before she gets up or after she goes to sleep. So there is really not any time left for her to just be herself or for me to just be her mama.

I am her doctor, her nurse, her therapist, her cheerleader, her napping spot, her protector, her advocate and her voice. But I can assure you I am anything but fun to her and I feel positively rotten about that. I love her dearly and will do anything for her, she is work though and the mother/daughter bonding has not come easily.

Every minute of every waking day I am face to face with what was lost, then there are the tormented nights or equally worse lying awake thinking about what needs to be done tomorrow or what wasn't done today. I have said this before but sadly I am no closer to an do you move through the grief process when the grief never ends, when the situation is never resolved. It is never ending, constant and relentless.

No, I am not over here thinking what a marvelous miracle she is and what a privilege it is that I get to take care of her. I am thinking about what I have lost...playing with baby dolls and having tea parties, playing kitchen or with her stuffed animals. I don't even know b/c I haven't had the chance, maybe she would have been a tomboy, she does have 3 big brothers for heaven's sake, who knows? Or who will ever know?

I don't want to hear that it will all be ok, b/c it's not. I don't want to hear that I am doing a good job, b/c I don't care, how could I not take care of her. The best thing you could do for me is to hold your children tighter and please, please, please not take them for granted. Do not take it for granted when they beg you to come and play with them, do not take it for granted when they won't stop talking. Do not take one single day for granted and I will start trying in some way to do the same here.

Thank you for allowing me to share my emotions and feelings freely and without condemnation, they overflow and cannot be contained some days.

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