Wednesday, December 7, 2011

December Baby

I saw someone post on Facebook this morning that it's been 70 years since the bombing of Pearl Harbor, it must be December 7th.  I have to be honest and admit that December 7th usually came and went without much fanfare around here and still does for the most part, but today it struck me when I saw something about Pearl Harbor. December 7, 2007 was Sophie Kate's due date.  Whenever anyone would ask me what my due date was (when I was pregnant) and I told them December 7th, they would follow that up with, "Oh, Pearl Harbor day."

I usually don't pay this day very much attention but when I saw the stuff about Pearl Harbor, my mind immediately took me back there.  The anticipation, the excitement, the expectation of what was to come.  A friend told me of sweet midnight feedings by the light of the Christmas tree with her December baby and I would sleep each night with sweet visions of such things in my head.  There was even talk that she might be born on my dad's birthday...what a precious time filled with possibilities.  

December 7, 2007 found us home with our baby girl under a completely different set of circumstances.  I was up all night for difficult feedings with a crying baby while I myself grieved and pleaded for a life that would not be.  My heart shattered to pieces, broken beyond repair, wounded to the very core...forever changed.

I spent some time at the boys' school this week, helping with Christmas crafts and having lunch with them.  I am usually only affected by seeing little girls Sophie Kate's age but that day as I watched them my heart ached.  I saw them interacting with one another, laughing with their friends, walking, running and skipping.  Their ease of movement was not lost on me. 

The innocence and anticipation of pregnancy is gone for me.  The path for my daughter is so different from the girls I encountered at school this week.  The life I dreamed for her no longer exists, the reality is it never did exist except in my mind.

This cold, cloudy raw day reflects my feelings.  My baby girl is awake now and as I pick her up I feel the warmth of a snugly bed still on her.  Her eyes are bright and clear.  I see a smile start to break out across her face and she stretches out so big.  The first moments of the day with her are so precious to me.  How is it that she can bring warmth and sunshine to such a day as this?         

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