The school supplies have been purchased, there are new tennis shoes all around, teachers have been met and clothes have been laid out...all that's left now is the first day of school. All four kids will be at the same school for one year...Sophie Kate in preschool, Grey in Kindergarten, Jacob in 3rd grade and Cooper in fifth.
At times our life gets put into one of two categories: before SK was born or after SK was born. I don't know whether that's good or bad but it just is. So before SK was born, I was pretty active in Cooper and Jacob's classrooms, not room mother but just available whenever I was needed. I went on field trips, helped in the classroom, did things here and there for the teachers, etc. Since SK was born, there hasn't been much of that...at first we were just in survival mode and then that shifted somewhat into constant doctor visits and therapy appointments which I tried to do when the boys were in school.
I remember being told by parents who had gone before me that it would get better, that eventually I wouldn't be sad all the time and things would slow down and we would find a "new normal." I hated those words "new normal" and I hated just about any advice I was given b/c I didn't want to live with this. Well, it has happened, what they said was true. Things are better, we aren't in survival mode anymore. We have found a "new normal," we don't have multiple doctor visits and therapy appointments every week.
We have a nurse now and Sophie Kate goes to preschool and gets lots of her therapy there. Our doctor visits have gone from every 4-6 weeks to every 6-12 months. I am going to have some free days every week this school year.
I remember talking to someone during a particularly down time well over a year ago and they asked me what is something that I used to do that I have not been doing SK was born that I would like to do (does that make sense)? Well, my answer was I used to be up at the school from time to time. I want to go back up there and volunteer in my boys' classes. I know some of you may think I am crazy, but sometimes you just want to do normal stuff, stuff you used to do.
So, for the first time in 3 and 1/2 years I was able to sign up (with confidence that I could actually do it) to help in my son's classrooms. I am going to be a guest reader, I am going to help my Kindergartner with fun Christmas crafts, I hope to go on field trips and I plan on having lunch with my boys whenever I or they want me to all while my baby girl is being well cared for. What a blessing, I am so thankful, we have come so far with this girl of ours. I never thought this day would come 3 years ago. My friends who are struggling through the places we have been, I am praying for you, it will get better. Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing your best and it will get better.
Isaiah 64:4 "For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides You, who acts on behalf of the one who waits for Him."
Now, I am putting my baby boy on the bus the first day of school, granted he will be with his brothers, so if I survive that it will be all downhill from there, ha ha. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
Thanks for checking in on us.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
What Does She See?
In a small, cold, dimly lit room by a voice devoid of any feeling or emotion I was told that my newly born baby girl would never know who I was. After hearing medical jargon that I as a nurse was barely familiar with and after being told everything that my baby girl would never accomplish, tacked on at the end I remember being told that she would never know I was her mother.
So now after three and a half years have passed, what does she see when she looks at me? Since I haven't heard her sweet voice call me "mama," I can only take my cues from what I see on her face. I can see when she is calm, content and peaceful.
I can see when she is uncomfortable. I can see when she is in pain and by the look on her face and the way she carries herself I can see how severe her pain is. I can see when she is sleepy and I can see when she is happy.
What does she see when she looks at me? She sees someone who tends to her needs and cares. She sees someone who loves her and provides a place of rest, comfort and healing. She sees safety and a familiarity, it's something we have formed over time.
When I go into her room in the morning, I always say "Good Morning" to her in a sing-song kind of voice. She smiles so big back at me that sometimes I think it may spill over into a little laugh. I scoop her up and take her into the family room and I know she can feel the strength and assurance in the arms of someone who won't let her down, won't let her go and won't stop fighting for the best things in life for her.
I have no doubt that when she sees me, she sees her mama and when I see her things outside these four walls seem to not matter anymore. It's her and I engaged in moments where silence speaks louder than words ever could.
Psalm 27:13-14 "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (NIV)
Thanks for checking in on us.
So now after three and a half years have passed, what does she see when she looks at me? Since I haven't heard her sweet voice call me "mama," I can only take my cues from what I see on her face. I can see when she is calm, content and peaceful.
I can see when she is uncomfortable. I can see when she is in pain and by the look on her face and the way she carries herself I can see how severe her pain is. I can see when she is sleepy and I can see when she is happy.
What does she see when she looks at me? She sees someone who tends to her needs and cares. She sees someone who loves her and provides a place of rest, comfort and healing. She sees safety and a familiarity, it's something we have formed over time.
When I go into her room in the morning, I always say "Good Morning" to her in a sing-song kind of voice. She smiles so big back at me that sometimes I think it may spill over into a little laugh. I scoop her up and take her into the family room and I know she can feel the strength and assurance in the arms of someone who won't let her down, won't let her go and won't stop fighting for the best things in life for her.
I have no doubt that when she sees me, she sees her mama and when I see her things outside these four walls seem to not matter anymore. It's her and I engaged in moments where silence speaks louder than words ever could.
Psalm 27:13-14 "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (NIV)
Thanks for checking in on us.
Monday, August 1, 2011
What she's wearing
I'm taking a departure from the serious nature of the posts lately to go with a guilty pleasure...Sophie Kate's clothes of course. Being the only girl after 3 boys comes with its privileges, I guess.
What she wore to church this week...
See, the reason SK gets to be so well dressed is because SK's friends are well dressed. We beg, borrow and sometimes pay for the cutest outfits seen around town a few years ago, ha ha.
Another reason SK is so stylin' is because SK's friends and family are extremely talented...
Chad's sister smocked this for SK...
My sister made these for SK....
I love consignment sales and I love swapping clothes with other mamas, it makes me happy so see someone else wearing the clothes SK and the boys once wore. I immediately recall...oh the boys wore that for Easter one year, or Sophie Kate had her picture made in that when she turned one. It's special to me to see some of her clothes being worn by other little girls we know.
Sophie Kate also has 2 grandmothers that keep her in good supply with new dresses, play clothes, etc.
She's a blessed little girl and it has nothing to do with the clothes she wears. It has everything to do with the people around her who love her to pieces. This is what I remind myself when I feel alone in my circumstances. God has placed wonderful people in our lives who adore this girl. People who are not afraid to take on our girl and her family or if they are they don't show it. This is truly a journey and thankfully we are not in it alone.
Habakkuk 2:3 "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day."
Thanks for checking in on us.
What she wore to church this week...
See, the reason SK gets to be so well dressed is because SK's friends are well dressed. We beg, borrow and sometimes pay for the cutest outfits seen around town a few years ago, ha ha.
Another reason SK is so stylin' is because SK's friends and family are extremely talented...
Chad's sister smocked this for SK...
My sister made these for SK....
I love consignment sales and I love swapping clothes with other mamas, it makes me happy so see someone else wearing the clothes SK and the boys once wore. I immediately recall...oh the boys wore that for Easter one year, or Sophie Kate had her picture made in that when she turned one. It's special to me to see some of her clothes being worn by other little girls we know.
Sophie Kate also has 2 grandmothers that keep her in good supply with new dresses, play clothes, etc.
She's a blessed little girl and it has nothing to do with the clothes she wears. It has everything to do with the people around her who love her to pieces. This is what I remind myself when I feel alone in my circumstances. God has placed wonderful people in our lives who adore this girl. People who are not afraid to take on our girl and her family or if they are they don't show it. This is truly a journey and thankfully we are not in it alone.
Habakkuk 2:3 "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day."
Thanks for checking in on us.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Fourteen Years
Chad and I celebrated 14 years of marriage this week. We went out to dinner by ourselves on a random Tuesday night. A fancy dinner at that...to a place that doesn't serve chicken nuggets and fries or any other sort of "child-friendly" foods. In fact, it was quite the opposite, there were words on the menu that my children probably couldn't even pronounce, words like "pancetta" and "braised" just to name a few. It got me to thinking as we sat around other couples enjoying an equally nice evening, I wanted to know...are y'all celebrating a special event as well or is this just something you routinely do on a random Tuesday night? I so wanted to know what their story was because this was a big deal for us.
It seems as the years and children began to accumulate, we didn't give our anniversary the pause it deserved. Yes, there were cards involved and "Happy Anniversaries" all around and we were all fine with that. The demands of being parents threatened to eclipse any semblance of a husband and a wife without us even being aware of it much less doing anything to change it and once again everyone involved seemed fine with that.
With the birth of our daughter, everything changed, nothing was as it had been, nothing. I depended on this man more than I ever had in my life. He was strong and carried the weight of everything on shoulders whether he wanted to or not and pulled us (and continues to pull us) through unimaginable pain. His commitment to this family was not verbal, it was truly visible and seen through his actions and the way he cared for us. "No words were needed," little did I know how profoundly those four words would changed my life.
Fast forward 3 years and we find ourselves at The Veranda celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary. It's old south style makes you feel as though you are dining in a home straight out of "Gone with the Wind." We had a few hours in which we actually felt like a couple again. We talked about our wedding, our honeymoon, our first years together in that one bedroom apartment and our first home. I began to feel as though it wasn't a lifetime ago that maybe somewhere buried inside I was still that same girl, bride and wife.
This man who has made a commitment to me and to our family then looks me straight in the eye and says, "I wouldn't change a thing, not a minute of it." It wasn't just something he said in the moment (he has said it before), I could see the feeling and the meaning behind his words in his eyes and for a brief moment I was almost there with him. I couldn't however bring myself to speak the words to disagree with him this time. Instead I immediately felt myself being jerked back to the present and the pain I wake up to every morning. Not sure I am to the point yet where I wouldn't want to change a thing but it gives me hope and makes me feel secure that he does.
I wonder what's different about his commitment? What makes his vow so firm in a world where marriage, devotion and commitment are not highly regarded traits...where husbands and wives feel as though they don't have to follow through on their promises? It's all about our choices... him choosing to make a commitment and a promise not only to me and to our children but to God. It's choosing to put God at the center of our marriage instead of our(selfish)selves and continuing to make the right choices not just the easy ones.
God has honored and blessed our commitment to each other and as a result we have grown stronger in the midst of difficulty. It's not easy, I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture here. At best we are making tough choices in difficult circumstances. At the end of the day though the words we spoke and the commitment we made 14 years ago before God and before each other is stronger than anything in this world and by God's guidance and grace it will continue to be so.
It seems as the years and children began to accumulate, we didn't give our anniversary the pause it deserved. Yes, there were cards involved and "Happy Anniversaries" all around and we were all fine with that. The demands of being parents threatened to eclipse any semblance of a husband and a wife without us even being aware of it much less doing anything to change it and once again everyone involved seemed fine with that.
With the birth of our daughter, everything changed, nothing was as it had been, nothing. I depended on this man more than I ever had in my life. He was strong and carried the weight of everything on shoulders whether he wanted to or not and pulled us (and continues to pull us) through unimaginable pain. His commitment to this family was not verbal, it was truly visible and seen through his actions and the way he cared for us. "No words were needed," little did I know how profoundly those four words would changed my life.
Fast forward 3 years and we find ourselves at The Veranda celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary. It's old south style makes you feel as though you are dining in a home straight out of "Gone with the Wind." We had a few hours in which we actually felt like a couple again. We talked about our wedding, our honeymoon, our first years together in that one bedroom apartment and our first home. I began to feel as though it wasn't a lifetime ago that maybe somewhere buried inside I was still that same girl, bride and wife.
This man who has made a commitment to me and to our family then looks me straight in the eye and says, "I wouldn't change a thing, not a minute of it." It wasn't just something he said in the moment (he has said it before), I could see the feeling and the meaning behind his words in his eyes and for a brief moment I was almost there with him. I couldn't however bring myself to speak the words to disagree with him this time. Instead I immediately felt myself being jerked back to the present and the pain I wake up to every morning. Not sure I am to the point yet where I wouldn't want to change a thing but it gives me hope and makes me feel secure that he does.
I wonder what's different about his commitment? What makes his vow so firm in a world where marriage, devotion and commitment are not highly regarded traits...where husbands and wives feel as though they don't have to follow through on their promises? It's all about our choices... him choosing to make a commitment and a promise not only to me and to our children but to God. It's choosing to put God at the center of our marriage instead of our(selfish)selves and continuing to make the right choices not just the easy ones.
God has honored and blessed our commitment to each other and as a result we have grown stronger in the midst of difficulty. It's not easy, I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture here. At best we are making tough choices in difficult circumstances. At the end of the day though the words we spoke and the commitment we made 14 years ago before God and before each other is stronger than anything in this world and by God's guidance and grace it will continue to be so.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Caroline's Cart
I saw this on the news the other night and was totally intrigued by it. Here's what I found when I searched Caroline's cart on YouTube...
Something you may not know unless you've truly thought about it and I don't know why you would have if you didn't have to, but Sophie Kate cannot sit in a regular grocery cart. She doesn't have the trunk or head control to do so. To go grocery shopping with SK is quite an undertaking even when I have help. Someone has to push SK in her wheelchair and then someone else has to push the cart, not to mention the space her wheelchair takes up in the back. Remember, we are shopping for 6 over here and it takes all available space in the van for food and supplies for these boys.
I hope the stores will see fit to buy some of these (or even just one) for the special needs families in their communities. I am going to contact the places we frequent and encourage them to look into this. I'll keep you posted and we'll see if any of them actually do.
Chad and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage on July 26th. It just so happens that our church is having a get together for special needs children and their siblings that night. We are actually going to get a night out just the two of us on our anniversary. I am so thrilled and so thankful for the love and support we receive from our church.
Happy Anniversary honey. Things today may not look like we thought they would have 14 years ago in that one bedroom apartment that we started out in, but I wouldn't want to do this life with anyone else but you. Love you!
Something you may not know unless you've truly thought about it and I don't know why you would have if you didn't have to, but Sophie Kate cannot sit in a regular grocery cart. She doesn't have the trunk or head control to do so. To go grocery shopping with SK is quite an undertaking even when I have help. Someone has to push SK in her wheelchair and then someone else has to push the cart, not to mention the space her wheelchair takes up in the back. Remember, we are shopping for 6 over here and it takes all available space in the van for food and supplies for these boys.
I hope the stores will see fit to buy some of these (or even just one) for the special needs families in their communities. I am going to contact the places we frequent and encourage them to look into this. I'll keep you posted and we'll see if any of them actually do.
Chad and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage on July 26th. It just so happens that our church is having a get together for special needs children and their siblings that night. We are actually going to get a night out just the two of us on our anniversary. I am so thrilled and so thankful for the love and support we receive from our church.
Happy Anniversary honey. Things today may not look like we thought they would have 14 years ago in that one bedroom apartment that we started out in, but I wouldn't want to do this life with anyone else but you. Love you!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
These Days
It's been a difficult couple of weeks here, I don't know why exactly. We have made the decision to go ahead with surgery for our little girl, concerning her hip problem. That's not it entirely, although scheduling another surgery for my daughter definitely hasn't helped my mood of late.
It's just the continuing of days I guess, time moving on but seeming to stand still at the same time and finding out that time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. Thank goodness for the boys, their energy and their demands. I have said it before but I totally could have seen myself shut up inside these four walls closed off to the world, just SK and I. Thank goodness for them, they force me outside these four walls.
I've learned to put up a pretty good front, I think. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I do know that these boys can't see me weeping on a daily basis. My tears are very private these days. I hate and I mean hate when they overcome me in public. Are people thinking that I should be able to handle this better by now? Are they thinking that they need to say something (which they don't)? Are they thinking that I should be stronger than this by now?
The only thing I know for sure is that I don't know. I would give anything to hear her sweet voice to see her sit, stand, walk...to see her be able to eat normally, to see her reach for me to feel her put her arms around me. I hear people say that God heard their prayer and healed their loved one or that once their loved one was healed they say "God heard our prayers" or "God answered our prayers." What am I supposed to make of that? It cuts very deep. God didn't hear my prayers? He didn't hear my heart as cried it out just as deeply as yours did? I know He hears my prayers and pleadings, but His answer to me right now is "no." As much strength as I may "appear" to have when the sun is up, I am equally a wreck shedding my tears privately when the sun goes down.
I know this is not what everyone wants to hear, people want to hear that everything is fine, we are fine, the boys are fine and SK is fine. I will go back to appearing "fine" at an outing near you soon as for now this is the raw unedited emotion that engulfs me more often than I'd like to admit.
It's just the continuing of days I guess, time moving on but seeming to stand still at the same time and finding out that time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. Thank goodness for the boys, their energy and their demands. I have said it before but I totally could have seen myself shut up inside these four walls closed off to the world, just SK and I. Thank goodness for them, they force me outside these four walls.
I've learned to put up a pretty good front, I think. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I do know that these boys can't see me weeping on a daily basis. My tears are very private these days. I hate and I mean hate when they overcome me in public. Are people thinking that I should be able to handle this better by now? Are they thinking that they need to say something (which they don't)? Are they thinking that I should be stronger than this by now?
The only thing I know for sure is that I don't know. I would give anything to hear her sweet voice to see her sit, stand, walk...to see her be able to eat normally, to see her reach for me to feel her put her arms around me. I hear people say that God heard their prayer and healed their loved one or that once their loved one was healed they say "God heard our prayers" or "God answered our prayers." What am I supposed to make of that? It cuts very deep. God didn't hear my prayers? He didn't hear my heart as cried it out just as deeply as yours did? I know He hears my prayers and pleadings, but His answer to me right now is "no." As much strength as I may "appear" to have when the sun is up, I am equally a wreck shedding my tears privately when the sun goes down.
I know this is not what everyone wants to hear, people want to hear that everything is fine, we are fine, the boys are fine and SK is fine. I will go back to appearing "fine" at an outing near you soon as for now this is the raw unedited emotion that engulfs me more often than I'd like to admit.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Jacob's Tour of Birthdays
How is it that my children have worked it to where their birthday celebrations end up spanning the entire month of their birthdays? The month of March ended up being one party after another for G-man and now July has shaped up in much the same way for Jacob.
We kicked off Jacob's tour of birthday parties at Smith Lake...
Then there was an impromptu pool party with friends...
Then the weekend of his actual birthday (July 15) we let him choose where he wanted to eat. All my children choose the Japanese place where they cook the food in front of you. Therefore, in our house it is called "cook in front of us." They have always called it that, they don't even know the real name of the place and come to think of it, I'm not sure that I do either...it's just "cook in front of us."
and then we were off to Yogurt Mountain for dessert...
If you haven't had the privilege of the yummy goodness of Yogurt Mountain, I would encourage you to find the one closest to you and head there straight-away, you can thank me later.
Jacob's tour of birthdays came to a close this weekend with Harry Potter, so sad to say goodbye to the Potter series, but it was the best one yet.
So I think I can now officially say that as of the 18th of July 2011, we are done with Jacob's birthday celebrations until July 2012 rolls around.
I'll tell ya, I have no problem making this kid feel extra special on his birthday because of the selflessness we see in him year round. He has such a servant's heart whether it is in his interactions with his sister...
with his brothers, or with his friends. He is so kind. God's definitely got a hold of his heart, I pray that will always be so and that I don't do anything to mess things up.
My accident prone middle son, my life would be so boring without you and I never want to be bored. Time, would you please slow down...this little guy cannot possibly be 9 years old, can he?
Happy Birthday Jacob!!
We kicked off Jacob's tour of birthday parties at Smith Lake...
Then there was an impromptu pool party with friends...
Then the weekend of his actual birthday (July 15) we let him choose where he wanted to eat. All my children choose the Japanese place where they cook the food in front of you. Therefore, in our house it is called "cook in front of us." They have always called it that, they don't even know the real name of the place and come to think of it, I'm not sure that I do either...it's just "cook in front of us."
and then we were off to Yogurt Mountain for dessert...
If you haven't had the privilege of the yummy goodness of Yogurt Mountain, I would encourage you to find the one closest to you and head there straight-away, you can thank me later.
Jacob's tour of birthdays came to a close this weekend with Harry Potter, so sad to say goodbye to the Potter series, but it was the best one yet.
So I think I can now officially say that as of the 18th of July 2011, we are done with Jacob's birthday celebrations until July 2012 rolls around.
I'll tell ya, I have no problem making this kid feel extra special on his birthday because of the selflessness we see in him year round. He has such a servant's heart whether it is in his interactions with his sister...
with his brothers, or with his friends. He is so kind. God's definitely got a hold of his heart, I pray that will always be so and that I don't do anything to mess things up.
Happy Birthday Jacob!!
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