It's been a difficult couple of weeks here, I don't know why exactly. We have made the decision to go ahead with surgery for our little girl, concerning her hip problem. That's not it entirely, although scheduling another surgery for my daughter definitely hasn't helped my mood of late.
It's just the continuing of days I guess, time moving on but seeming to stand still at the same time and finding out that time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. Thank goodness for the boys, their energy and their demands. I have said it before but I totally could have seen myself shut up inside these four walls closed off to the world, just SK and I. Thank goodness for them, they force me outside these four walls.
I've learned to put up a pretty good front, I think. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I do know that these boys can't see me weeping on a daily basis. My tears are very private these days. I hate and I mean hate when they overcome me in public. Are people thinking that I should be able to handle this better by now? Are they thinking that they need to say something (which they don't)? Are they thinking that I should be stronger than this by now?
The only thing I know for sure is that I don't know. I would give anything to hear her sweet voice to see her sit, stand, walk...to see her be able to eat normally, to see her reach for me to feel her put her arms around me. I hear people say that God heard their prayer and healed their loved one or that once their loved one was healed they say "God heard our prayers" or "God answered our prayers." What am I supposed to make of that? It cuts very deep. God didn't hear my prayers? He didn't hear my heart as cried it out just as deeply as yours did? I know He hears my prayers and pleadings, but His answer to me right now is "no." As much strength as I may "appear" to have when the sun is up, I am equally a wreck shedding my tears privately when the sun goes down.
I know this is not what everyone wants to hear, people want to hear that everything is fine, we are fine, the boys are fine and SK is fine. I will go back to appearing "fine" at an outing near you soon as for now this is the raw unedited emotion that engulfs me more often than I'd like to admit.