I remember the day so clearly that Chad and I found out we were going to have a baby girl. A girl after three boys, the odds were not in our favor, but nevertheless we were going to have a daughter. On that day our girl was safe, content and healthy...my body had not yet failed her and on that day everything was right in our world. I dreamed for the months that followed in shades of pink. I dreamed of smocked dresses and big bows, tea parties and baby dolls, dance recitals and cheerleading...all those things about girls that were going to be so new to me, so exciting.
I found the perfect crib bedding in shades of pink, green and yellow. A new pink diaper bag to carry all her girl stuff around in. I'm sure you're getting the picture that pink exploded in our house pretty quickly. I got to buy dresses and tiny mary janes and bows. I had her coming home outfit picked out and could just see in my mind's eye how perfect it would all be.
I didn't think hours before she was born that I would be praying on the way to the hospital that she would just be alive. I didn't think on that Saturday morning at just 35 weeks that she would be taken from me. I didn't think her entrance into this world would be so quiet, such deafening silence that I know had I been conscious I would not have been able to bear it.
These could not possibly be the circumstances under which my baby girl came into this world. I didn't think I could hear another doctor tell me that "she could still live or die" or she'll never walk or she'll never talk without my heart breaking into a million pieces. I didn't think I had what it took to bring her home and take care of her, it seemed such a daunting task we had ahead of us. Even as a nurse I remember having people repeat the instructions over and over again because I just could not grasp what was required of me in taking care of my own daughter.
I didn't think she would ever stop crying. I didn't think my heart and my spirit could take the pain she endured. I would give anything to trade places with her. I didn't think going anywhere besides home, or to a hospital or to a doctor's office would ever be an option for us.
I didn't ever think the sadness could be penetrated here. I didn't think we would have any reason to smile or truly and wholeheartedly laugh again. I mean the kind of laughter that takes your breath away, that genuine kind of laughter that just makes you happy...there was nothing to be happy about.
I think it was so dark here because at that time we were truly under the wing of protection of the Almighty. He had us hidden in Him. We needed mending and healing and the kind of mending and healing we needed couldn't come from a doctor, it could only come from our Creator. The one who knows us so deeply and intimately and loves us so dearly. God was at work even in the midst of our hurt and He made possible what we thought impossible.
I didn't think joy could return to my heart but it has. I didn't think we could enjoy life with a special needs child, but we do. She smiles and she loves and to be around her is to be around someone special. She is the purest soul I know. I didn't think a life that was born of such grim, hopeless circumstances could turn into something with such meaning and significance, but God did. What Satan intend for harm, God turned into good. No not just good, but abundant and overflowing and spilling over and unable to contain all the good that God has blessed us with in those three rowdy boys and that one quiet little girl.
Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever! Amen."