Another week down and we're another week closer to summer. We had another week of appointments stemming from all of our six month doctor visits. Sophie Kate and I spent Thursday night at Children's Hospital for a sleep study. She now sleeps with a cpap mask strapped to her face every night. We also have a cough assist machine we are supposed to use with her twice a day. I'm not real sure where we are supposed to fit that in...i guess somewhere in all our "free time." I am not exaggerating when I say that if I didn't carve out specific time for the boys, literally everything I do could be something pertaining to SK. There is no end to what needs to be done for her. There is guilt when I can't do everything I feel like I need to do for her and guilt when I do accomplish everything I need to do for her because I know that if I ever do succeed at completing all that needs to be done for her then I'm neglecting someone else.
I am constantly being reminded by all that surrounds me demanding and begging for my attention that I am not enough. I disappoint, I let people down, I say the wrong thing and I make bad choices. I allow the lives of other families and other moms to be my measuring stick and I find that I don't measure up. I'm not skinny enough, I don't cook enough, we don't have a big enough house, I don't drive a "cool" car and we never have enough money. These are the things I concern myself with when I compare myself to others...possessions and status, these things are all very "me" oriented.
I have to stay completely covered in the truth and these things are not the truth and these things don't determine my worth and my value. When I move the focus from myself to my God I find love, comfort, peace, joy and purpose. Our pastor reminded us of this verse, "Long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love, to be made whole and holy by His love" Ephesians 1:4. He had us in mind? He settled on us? I find my worth and my purpose when I consider these words, that the God of the universe had us on His mind and settled on us as the focus of His love. I then find an ease and a contentment in my life. I am able to listen and laugh with these boys, hold hands with their daddy and take time in my day look into this girl's beautiful brown eyes and feel the warmth of everything she is. My God speaks truth to me through His Word and my purpose becomes very clear and in Him I am empowered to accomplish it.