Friday, June 5, 2009

Still lots of unanswered questions

I was just thinking, as life continues to plow ahead with maddening speed w/o very much change to be noted, at what point does Sophie Kate get to be accepted for who she is?  At what point  does she get to be who she is instead of constantly being molded into some kind of dream that I have for her?  I'm not sure what I mean by that, it's so hard to put into words, I certainly don't want things to come out the wrong way.  It seems there is definitely a fine line between doing everything we can for her and then turning that around to "Are we trying to make her into something she's not?"  I want to give her every chance possible to do whatever she can, but I don't feel as though I am enjoying her as my daughter.  She is work to me, a lot of work and I am afraid I am only viewing her in that way.

I'm tired, I'm tired of therapy.  I want one of SK's therapists to tell me that it's ok to take a break, but see, none of them will b/c it's not ok for SK to take a break.  How am I supposed to manage an entire summer with therapy with all the boys being out of school?  When do they get the attention that Sophie Kate demands of me almost all the time?  When is it their turn?   The guilt I feel over her therapy and how to manage it along with our family life is unbelievable.  The guilt I feel over being tired of therapy whether it's in our home or whether it's outpatient is crushing and never-ending.

Sophie Kate is happy most of the time and although she doesn't talk to me, she does smile.  Shouldn't that be enough for me?  Why isn't it?  Is it b/c I let the pressures and expectations of the world be placed on her?  Will she really not be a complete or whole person if she's never able to crawl, walk or talk?  Do I judge her life based on what she is able to do?  Or do I see the impact she makes on the world around her?

This is really more for myself than anyone else.  When do I stop trying to make her into someone else?  And I don't mean stop trying to help her altogether, please don't misunderstand what I am trying desparately to say.   When will I accept her for who she is?  I guess my real question is when will the pain and tears end?  When will my heart find joy in her instead of utter sadness and brokenness?  When will I see her as her Creator sees her?  The world will always see her as lacking or "broken," but I refuse to look to this world for answers.  God give me the eyes and the tenderness of heart to see her like You see her.

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