I have always loved this time of year. I love the cooler temperatures, the leaves changing and all the beautiful colors and smells that go along with Fall. It is a difficult time of year now though. My children are two years older, they have grown, we have changed, so much is so different.
They will not be in this season of life forever. One day they will not want to dress up for Halloween, but right now everyone is still very much into it and I love that. I wish I could just enjoy it for what it is. I am missing it b/c the pain of this time of year is so overwhelming for me. Y'all all know that Halloween signals the beginning of the end for me. I put on a brave smile for the boys, but my heart is breaking on the inside.
It signals the end of our "normal" carefree life with absolutely NO worries, oh don't get me wrong I thought I had problems then but I know now that I didn't. It signals the end of dreams, dreams I had for my one and only daughter, dreams that I had for our family that I have now had to completely let go of.
The grief is still so raw and so real. My breath is still taken away by the pain and hurt. I try not to let my mind go to the places of what could I have done differently or earlier to have had a different outcome...all those "what ifs" that invade my thinking, it is so dangerous for me to go down that path...it isn't going to change anything now.
This time two years ago there was so much hope and promise and excitement which has now been replaced by so much sadness, unbelievable pain and lots of changes. I want to enjoy these times w/my boys, I want them to be happy and have fun in everything they do. I don't know any other way to do that besides pretending my way through it and saving my tears for my time with God.
If I can just get through the next 2 weeks around here, everything can settle back down and go back to our normal. I have to tell you though...I feel so guilty for trying not to think about it or wishing these next few weeks away b/c I feel like I am totally overlooking and forgetting the miracle God performed on that day. She should not be here, we have been told that on more that one occasion...but she is. She is here for us to love on and for us to take care of for as long and the Lord grants us. Her birthday is all kinds of emotions all at once.
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16.
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