Old Wounds, New Wounds

Wow, it has rained here all weekend long.  It was weird not to have any baseball games this weekend.  We are officially in the home stretch, it's tournament time, win or go home, or in the case of Cooper's league, win or lose twice and then go home (yeah for the double elimination tournament).

I seem to be clinging to baseball this season b/c it really feels like the only normal thing in my life.  We have gone through quite a bit with Sophie Kate this week and I feel like scabs have been pulled off of old wounds and they are hurting afresh once again.  I find myself looking at her and thinking to myself how unbelievably beautiful she is and about all that she could have been instead of just loving her for who she is, I hate when I do that to her.

I keep having these "this can't be real" moments and we ended up with 2 of them last week.  The first one was the results of the swallow study that was done last Wednesday.  Sophie Kate is silently aspirating her food.  Really?  I can't feed her anything by mouth?  Is this really happening??  Is she really going to be fed by a tube for the rest of her life??

The second "this can't be real" moment was Friday with SK's physical therapists, it  involved something I have been dreading for a while now.  The wheelchair talk, I can't even type it much less say it w/o crying.  Pushing my own child around in her very own wheelchair is overwhelming, I cannot even picture it my mind's eye.  Oh, but I get to pick out the style, the color and can even get her name embroidered on it, yippee!!!!  Can you feel the "I can't wait" in my voice??  Maybe I am being too sarcastic and vague here, let me be clear....I HATE THIS!!!

Is all of this really real?  God, are you really going to let her be just like "they" said she was going to be??  It's too much....